Life Lessons from My Cat

I was cleaning our home this morning and I always save vacuuming the stairs for last. The cat-tree we have for our feline friends is at the top of the stairs. They are terrified of the vacuum as they should be. I can’t imagine not understanding why this thing comes alive in the home once a week, make scary noises, and causes them undo stress. As I am backing down the stairs I look up at the top of the cat-tree where one of our cats is. I see him looking down at me. His ears are pressed backwards; his eyes are wide, wild with fear. Even though he is ready to leap at any moment to escape to safety, he holds his ground to watch. At this moment I said to my feline friend, “I am proud of you because even though you are scared to death you chose to stand your ground.” “I could learn a lot from you.” I am referring to my over-whelming fear of Christians. 

As I continue to finish vacuuming the stairs my mind is flooded with thoughts of how this example parallels with what I am experiencing within my life right now. Whether it be validated or not in my mind or in reality is not the issue. The issue is that it exists.

As I have decided to be authentic in who I am, mentally I am finding this to be challenging. I began this journey in 2004 by telling family, friends, co-workers that I am gay. I was prompted to do this as I had fallen in love plus my relationship with God was growing. I thought, “Why can’t I have it all like everyone else?” Little did I know the toll it would take on my psyche for years to come. 

Being true to myself has affected me in several ways both positive and negative. The one most important to me though is my spiritual self. It is my relationship with God along how the outside world views me. I believe I give too much consideration to how other Christians view me so this is causing many issues as to how I function on a day to day basis.  

It has not been an easy journey losing family and friends because of who I am. At first when I became open with my authentic self I was a force of nature to be reckoned with. With the support of God and my spouse I was going to make it in this life no matter what. Now however, ten years later, I find myself tired. I am tired of always feeling like I need to reconcile myself to prove to others that I can truly be Christian and Gay. My spouse tells me often to “just be you.” Maybe for her and for others that is easier for them to do. However, for me it is a constant mental battle. I am so scarred and scared of the Christian community that I am finding it hard to be a part of it. I am frozen in this fear.

Over the last ten years I have slowly evolved discovering how it feels to look on the outside as I feel on the inside. Recently, I decided to drastically cut my hair very short. I have always hid behind my long auburn locks for many reasons; never quite realizing how deceiving they were to others of who I really am. I know, it sounds silly but your perception of a person when you meet them sometimes comes with how they walk, talk, & look. Here, let me show you:

Before                                                                      

                                      

After

Before I cut my hair it was easy for me to blend into crowd, hide that I was gay even though I had told myself I had come out. Since I have cut my hair it is impossible to hide my sexual orientation. However, I do look on the outside how I feel on the inside. I thought that once this process was complete I would feel whole. I do in so many aspects, feel whole, complete. It is only within the Christian Community that I feel disjointed. 

I recently went to a Toby Mac concert. I totally love Toby Mac’s music and how his message of Gods’ Love reaches people who may have never come to Christ except thru his music. I have always found myself uncomfortable in a “Church/Christian” environment. This feeling is due to a lot of different factors like experiences growing up. It is not just because I was born gay. Now though, more than ever, it is because I am gay. At this concert even though no one said anything to me I felt extremely uncomfortable and out of place. I am on edge, nervous, and paranoid. I am always waiting for the “scary” thing to happen such as someone saying something to me along the lines of; “You don’t belong here, you Lesbian Dyke.” The list in my mind goes on forever. To perpetuate this feeling we are at the concert and Brandon Heath takes the stage. He proceeds on stating how he is from the East Coast and he along with his team are country hicks who look like Duck Dynasty. While anyone who watch the news or reads online knows how Duck Dynasty feels about gay people a large part of the audience starts to cheer and clap. I immediately feel like running out of the stadium to hide. I am thinking all the while if they know I am gay that my spouse and I may be in danger. I even went as far prior to the concert to try and change my hair style to look more like a girl so others wouldn’t know I am gay. I also was uncomfortable holding my wife’s hand. I feel like a traitor to myself, my wife, along with my gay family.

I am praying a lot and receiving a lot of support from my spouse but I don’t know how to navigate through this. I see on a daily basis Christian’s voting to ban gay people from businesses, Russia beating gay people in the streets, Uganda arresting, even killing people for being gay. Right under our very noses here in the United Stated people are beaten, even killed for being gay.  Just when I think with Gods’ strength, my spouse’s love, and the encouragement of people around me I will be alright, I see another headline. I am propelled backwards into the dark places in my mind. Paralyzed by the realty of how real hate is and how scary it is the one to be hated.

So as I go back to vacuuming the steps I see my cat frozen in dread at the top of his cat-tree. I believe I can learn several valuable lessons from my feline friend. 

I can learn to not run away immediately when I hear the loud noise I don’t understand simply use caution.

I can learn to observe and not react every time I hear the loud noise.

I can learn that sometimes the noise seems louder than it really is.

I can learn the noise will eventually stop.

I can also learn to love the person who is making the loud noise. Maybe they are oblivious to how loud they are and what they are doing to me.

As I struggle through this piece of my life I have to learn to trust God that I am serving my purpose in His Will no matter what the end result. My prayer is that before I leave this Earth I can find peace along with comfort within the Christian Community. I pray that one day I can pray together with others and be able to close my eyes while surrounded my Christians, knowing I am safe within God’s family of believers.